Sometimes I’ll speak to him and after we hang up I just feel like I don’t care, don’t love him, that we’ll never work. Sometimes it lasts for hours.. sometimes it’s right when I wake up. I crave his attention when he’s not around and when I get it I start to take advantage of it again. I love him but I can’t love him the right way. My thoughts are fueled with doubt constantly and it’s driving me up the wall. It’s like an evil force inside of me saying this isn’t real, you’re better off without him. Why are my feelings so conflicted? Why are they so confusing? Why aren’t they consistent?
Does anyone else wake up with random thoughts, scattered, and your mind is on high alert? My thoughts focus entirely around the the fact on if I’m actually a lesbian and if I actually love my boyfriend or not. Most would say it’s a form of ocd. I’ve never questioned if I was lesbian before, I’ve only experienced passing thoughts of homosexual behavior but nonetheless never questioned my sexuality. Some times I’m grateful if I wake up and don’t think about those thoughts and am just SURE OF WHO I AM. But it comes as quickly as it goes and I’m back to wondering how I feel and this and that. What also scares me is I feel only attracted to my boyfriend and am only interested/ horny for him. I can’t imagine it with another guy, maybe sometimes if I’m feeling really horny. I don’t understand why my mind is PLAGUED with these thoughts, I’m only praying to god to release me from this mental agony. Does anyone have any idea what this could be? Why it’s this way? Why I get terrible, intrusive thoughts about family members, self harm, suicidal thoughts, harming others. Am I just a ball of ocd or a monster?
So my hocd has definitely relaxed a bit since it hard last year. When it hit I failed one of my classes and barley went to class and had to withdrawal from another class, would miss my shifts as well for work. Could barley speak on the phone with anyone that was a woman (for work). Now it’s not as severe and I don’t obsess about it as much as I did. BUT the thoughts still come around when hanging out with my female friends or seeing pretty females in general. It’s like I notice them way more since this happened. Recently I experienced a traumatic situation with my boyfriend and am suffering from PTSD. I feel like I get excited and aroused by my friend who I never and I mean never thought of in that way before. I would sometimes get aroused when I was high from marijuana around my female friends before hocd but it was never something I freaked out about. Also I think it was the marijuana causing this. There are times I can look at a pretty woman and not get those thoughts but it’s pretty rare. For an example I just FaceTimed my friend and I told my brain to NOT get those thoughts but of course they came and I felt happy talking to her which makes me think it’s because I’m attracted then get persistent sexual thoughts as I’m FaceTiming her like Jesus Christ what the fuck? I can’t take this anymore. Can anyone relate?
Idk I think I have ocd I am constantly checking my feelings for people. So I saw my guy friend and he looked pretty good so I felt attracted..then I was like fuck maybe this means I don’t love my ex and I just can’t stop obsessing over it. The whole way home I was just checking my feels back constantly. Like why does this happen to me, why does this consume me/
Waking up everyday, not speaking to you But somehow you’re still with me
I can feel you, I can still feel us I can feel the pain you feel I don’t know if it was real or what it was But I loved you like I’ve never loved before
As soon as my eyes open you’re on my mind, as if you’re still here Yesterday I felt hopeful that you would come back Last night I ruminated on how much I still hate myself
As of right now I don’t think you’ll come back that soon, or maybe even ever You were too good for me and too good to me I never felt adequate for you and I knew that It fueled my doubt, I knew I was not in a good place but I kept you waiting
Some days I don’t feel anything at all I felt like a part of me was ripped away and I can continue on my own Everyday, feels like your slipping away